Pre-Cursing My Mission

As my MTC (Missionary Training Center) date inches closer and closer, the excitement and thrill I have to serve my mission continues to grow...immensely. Every day, God gives me a peak into how magnificent my mission will be. Tears, laughter, love, frustration, growth, strength, patience, understanding...I'm pretty sure the list can go on endlessly. My mission is going to help me out so much. But because this is going to be something so good for me, there is a ton of opposition that comes along with it.

Man it is hard to stay on top of my emotions. I feel like every day is another day full of struggles to get rid of feelings of depression, discouragement and self-criticalness. And honestly, this is pretty much the hardest part of my life so far.

If this is what it takes to be a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, then so be it. I will endure. I guess I am just wondering how well and how I can endure these next 70 days before my mission.

So ya.....why do I feel the need to blog about it? I guess to just try and get out of it. Or maybe ask for you out there for suggestions for help in this time of my life.

The Real Me

I love knowing about my true identity. It gives life so much more meaning.

I am-

Happy.

Lovely.

A child of God.

Excited about the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ.

A friendly person, who is making a difference in the world, one person at a time.

Going to be a missionary =)

Enthusiastic.

Sincere.

Me.

I love who I am becoming.

A Beautiful Heartbreak

Life is a constant struggle. Constant. But I feel that as continue on through all the struggles in my life that God requires of me, I can never truly forget that God loves me. Even through the tears, the pains of frustrations, the unfilled expectations and the unexpected turns of life - my spirit never gives up the hope and the reality that God does live. He lives. And He knows the songs I cannot sing.

I'm realizing now, more than ever before, that my life is a Beautiful Heartbreak. Thank you Hilary Weeks for this beautiful song and music video.

I'm Going on a Mission!!!

Three weeks ago I received the best of piece of mail that probably I'll ever receive in this life. I received my mission call. And I am humbled to tell the world that I have been called to the Brazil Recife mission! There, I will serve the people of Northeastern Brazil for 18 months. I will learn to speak in their native tongue - Portuguese - and it will be the hardest, yet the best, experience of my life thus far.

Tonight I was watching this video about Jesus Christ and, in reflecting on the Atonement, I realized that this is the purpose of my mission to Recife. I have the most magnificent blessing to share the message of the Infinite Atonement. And what a most precious gift that has become to me. I have a Savior who loves me. I have a Father in Heaven who forgives me so constantly and frequently, I can't but help feel of His great love for me when I recognize this. And I have the blessing of having the Holy Ghost constantly at my side and in my heart - which helps me remember that I am never alone, even though I have been inclined to feel like that a lot lately.

And this weekend, I have the opportunity to become closer to Heaven then I have ever been before. And I am so grateful that this time has finally come. It has definitely been a bit of a bumpy road -- BUT -- I am clean. I am worthy. And I am ready to make this next step in my life. I am ready to take His name upon me more fully.

For any of you out there who are hiding from the shadows of your past - listen up. I know the Lord is tapping on your heart - telling you to change. I've been where you are now. And the burden is so heavy to carry. I once carried that weight too. I testify to you that this side of life - a side only possibly with a repentant heart and aid of Church leaders -is SO worth it. The Lord loves YOU. Bring it into the light. And in the light you will stay with His help. =) Where else could be better then that?

When you begin to kid yourself that your effort to be a little better isn't good enough, consider this from Elder James E. Talmage; "the best, if offered willingly and with pure intent, is always excellent in the sight of God, however poor by other comparison that best may be."

Waiting for My Golden Ticket

Today, Heavenly Father gave me my own golden ticket learning experience. I felt like I was running around being dramatic about not having received my mission call in the mail yet. I found myself at work, thirsting for some encouraging words. I first turned on a talk given by President Uchtdorf from the Saturday Morning Session of General Conference, in which I was reminded of a wonderful truth. Even though God is the Master creator of this grand universe, He cares about me. I matter to Him.

Then I went on to listen to President Uchtdorf's talk from the General Relief Society meeting, where he related of the story of Charlie and Chocolate Factory and his quest for a golden ticket. He said there are some who wait for those golden tickets to make their life happy, all the while missing the simple beauties of life - "The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. These are they who are truly happy."

It was after this talk that I realized what I needed to do. I need to stop waiting for my golden ticket, waiting for my happiness to be defined by a single event, I need to live now. The wonderful thing is that I get my golden ticket (receiving my mission call) and enjoy the everyday moments too! I just don't get to pick the timing. =D When I realized this, my day was turned around. I haven't been this truly happy in about 4 weeks now! And oh, does it feel so good! The gospel of Jesus Christ does that for me; gives me light during my darkest night. It lightens all around me and helps me embrace what God wants me to embrace.

I love my Heavenly Father. He is oh so good!

P.S.

This past weekend, a second Provo temple was announced! And I'm SO EXCITED. They are renovating the Provo Tabernacle to make it a new temple, and I couldn't be more happy with the decision! I just love that we live in a time where there are people worthy to enter the House of the Lord

Burdens. Whose Are They?

Life is full of many things that burden us down, and if we are not careful, we might just keep us down. Recently I've been feeling those burdens weighing me down, but it wasn't until after three full hours of church, and I was finishing up listening to a fireside that I realized what the Spirit was trying to help me realize for a while.

My burdens aren't my own, well, if I choose them to be that way. Christ has atoned for me. He can help me carry those burdens, I don't have to do it alone. I can't do it alone. In Matthew 11, verse 30, it says: "for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light". When we choose to take our burdens and given them to Christ, our burdens our shared. They become, in part, His burdens too and then we share that yoke with Christ, and oh is it so much better that way! =)

Sunday.

How come Sundays are so hard for me so much of the time? I don't know why for sure. But what I'm thinking is that it can be a day full of so much spiritual growing between going to church, visiting with friends and talking with my friends. So with so much potential to help us grow and become more who are supposed to, Sundays must be something the devil attacks very hard because of its potential. I feel like Sundays are always a roller coaster of emotions; joy, sadness, accomplished, incompetence, smiling, grumpiness. And this Sunday is no exception. But this blog post is already making me feel better.

I seem to always put on a happy face, but not let people into what is really going on in my heart. So I figured today I might as well just spill my guts. I have this habit of worrying too much about what is coming around the corner instead of enjoying the moment. What's up with that? I guess it is just one of those human tendencies that I get to improve on. Until then, I'll continually have to remind myself to give myself grace when I realize all the different places I am falling short.

In a conversation I had with my dad earlier this summer, he told me that God could tell us everything about the future of our life, but then that wouldn't allow us to trust in Him every step of the way as we continue to make our daily decisions. And it is so true. There is reasoning in as to why we don't know what exactly we are doing with our lives every step of the way.

You know what though? Some day I will serve a mission. Some day I will get married. Some day I will graduate from college Some day I will have children to call my own. It really will all happen, and God has it all figured out. All I have to worry about is today and the rest will take care of itself because that is just God works - He takes care of me, and He'll take care of you.

My Magnificent Heritage

The Browning girls saw the fresh remains of the martyred Mormon prophet Joseph and his brother Hyrum Smith, in the streets of Nauvoo, Illinois on 28 June 1844. Austin Hammer Sr. and Benjamin Franklin Lewis both lost their lives during the Haun's Mill Massacre in October 1838, while fighting for their wives and children; against the mob who sought their lives because of their religion. The stories of the Browning girls, Austin and Benjamin are all stories I claim as my own, because they are my ancestors.

Lives have been lost. Children's feet bloodied as they traveled to Zion. Baptisms in the middle of a freezing winter night to avoid persecuting neighbors. But then because of their sufferings, now families are united in the joy of learning that the Church which Christ established had returned to its fullness once again. There are 130+ Temples for us to worship the Lord more fully. Hearts have been healed through the Atonement. And The Book of Mormon stands as another witness of Jesus as the Christ and a daily necessity for me in the crazy world.

The horrid persecutions of the early LDS (Mormon) church members are not well known to others outside of the Church, but their history still stands as a testimony of what they believed, what they stood for. And what they stood for is what I stand for today. What is my LDS church membership? Everything to me. And especially on a day like yesterday, Mormon Pioneer Day, I remember what has been sacrificed by my forefathers, and grateful to put down my own kinds of sacrifices. But the question is - what am I sacrificing?

Instead of mourning over my family's losses, I rejoice in the wonderful gift they have passed on to me: my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They have led my family to build our lives on the foundation that only Jesus Christ can provide, "which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall." (Helaman 5:12). I feel the best way I can live up to rich Pioneer heritage, is to strengthen my testimony each and every day. Strive to be Christ-like in all that I do. Love those around me. See the good in everything and everyone. Focus on the moments that matter. And most of all, enjoy the wonderful family that God has given me today.

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My Mormon Pioneer Ancestors:

Mary Heady Butler, Charles Franklin Middleton, Charles Franklin Butler, Martha Clarissa Browning, Jonathan Browning, Elizabeth Stalcup, Joseph Fife, Adam Fife, Ellen (Helen) Sharp, John Sharp, Sanford Bingham Sr., Erastus Bingham, Lucinda Gates, Martha Ann Lewis, Benjamin Franklin Lewis, Johannah Ryon, Edward Southwick, Mary Alexander, John Henry Spencer, Jerusha Kibbee Elmer, Richard Spencer, Mary Earnshaw, Seymour Brunson, Harriet Matilda Gardner, Thomas Poulson Cloward, Catherine Ann Pluck, Jacob Cloward Sr., Elias Gardner, Amy Pritchard, James Wiley Norton, Nancy Jane Hammer, David Jane Hammer, David Norton Jr., Elizabeth Benefield, Austin Hammer Sr., Nancy Jane Elson.

Life WILL Be Hard

This morning, I was thrown a curve ball that I didn't quite prefer. But then again, when are curve balls in our lives preferred?

Following the hit, the only next step that made sense in my heart was to get on my knees. So I did. After reconciliation with my Father in Heaven, I picked up myself and left for the day. As I approached my daily gospel study, President Uchtdorf's talk,"Waiting on the Road to Damascus" fell into my lap and leaped into my heart - "If we are thinking only of ourselves, we may miss some of the most powerful experiences and profound revelations of our lives."

As I went on with my day, it was no easy thing to recover from the bruises of my curve ball. But He, the Lord, gave me itty bitty blessings here and there to remind me of His love for me and to reclaim my clear view of the wonderful life He has given me.

Life has thrown me countless curve balls. I've tried many ways to fix my life, but I've realized I cannot do it on my own. Only through my Father in Heaven can I truly win the game of life.

"The years before you are glorious, marvelous years. Life will be hard but wonderful. You will be tested, but you will win. You will have sorrow but find peace. Enjoy the process of life. And in a lot of years you will look back and realize you have had a wonderful one." - Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone